(COLUMBIA, Mo) — Nine activists attempted to block the entrance to the University of Missouri quad Monday in hopes of raising awareness around campus about the upcoming Mizzou vs Illinois basketball border war.
“How long can this go on?” Remy ‘Hope’ Fisher asked. “We have been at war as long as I can remember, and what has it gotten us?”
December 23, Missouri and Illinois will face off for the 37th annual rivalry game, sponsored by Bud Light, an unbroken tradition since 1983.
“They call it the ‘Bragging Rights’ game,” said Sissy ‘Love’ McGuire, “but that’s just another euphemism. The Vietnam Conflict. The Korean Police Action. Operation Iraqi Freedom. Give me a break. No matter what you call it, it’s war. What are we teaching the children?”
Missouri Athletic Director Jim Sterk–just back from a trip to the Far East to seek special treatments for back injuries that had undergone a microdisectomy–said, “I checked. That woman doesn’t have children. The game will go on as planned. We tried to tell them it’s just basketball, but they didn’t listen. You know how these Missouri protestors are.”
Marion ‘Flour’ Stoker pulled out a stack of newspapers and laid them on the Quad grass. He said through tears, “Look at this. In less than two months, we’ve fought Kansas, Kentucky, Iowa State, Tennessee, and Arkansas. Now Illinois. There isn’t a border state that we haven’t declared war on. It’s like they have oil…or any wealth at all. Look at those states. Do they look like they have money? My father has money. I’d be at Stanford if I weren’t so concerned about war in the Middle West. Those states? They’re lucky they have paved roads. Yet, here we are, fighting a four-front war like Karl Rove was running the Athletic Department.”
Told that Missouri has not played Nebraska or Oklahoma this year and that the Sooner State does, in fact, have oil, Stoker said, “See? Do you see how you’re being brainwashed? Next you’ll be telling me Baker Mayfield should win the Heisman. This Deep State fake news has to end.”
Stoker cut the interview short as Hope Fisher’s section of the Quad blockade gave way to two freshman who hadn’t noticed the protest and wandered onto the grass to study.
“Damn it, Hope! Hold the line! Non-violently, damn it!”
McGuire said, “We figured the Quad has four sides, we have nine people. We thought we could block it. Math worked out. This just goes to show, there just isn’t any winning a four-front war.”
The protestors left after about 45 minutes, one saying, “I feel like our message got across, and if we managed to get Mizzou enrollment to decline by another five percent, we’ll feel like we’ve won.”