(COLUMBIA, Mo.)–SEC football powerhouse Vanderbilt University is trying to figure out how they let former University of Tennessee coach Derek Dooley get away.
“I’m embarrassed. That’s all I can say,” coach Derek Mason said Friday. Mason had hoped to bring Dooley in as his own OC. “I mean, we were going to be the Two Dereks. It was going to be like Ponch and John, except I can’t ride a motorcycle. I don’t know what Coach Odom did, but he’s ruined my 2018.”
Dooley, who has never been an Offensive Coordinator and has never been primarily a quarterbacks coach, was hired this week as Missouri’s Offensive Coordinator and quarterbacks coach.
“It was the obvious choice,” Barry Odom said while shaving his chest hair in the locker room. “There will be critics who will say we should have hired someone with more refined experience, but, look, I had experience, and I was lucky to break .500 this season. Conventional wisdom ain’t what it used to be. And, if I’m being honest, that Two Dereks thing scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to face them as a coaching team next year.”
Dooley said, while he will miss his co-Derek, is excited to try something new.
“Last year, I took up hot teas. I did the chai thing for a while. Year before that, I tried something called Puppetry of the Penis. It was interesting, but I couldn’t afford the medical bills. This Offensive Coordinator thing should be really exciting. I love new experiences,” Dooley said.
Odom refused to comment on reports that his first choice for the OC job was former Canadian Football League, Willard (Missouri) High School coach, and cattle dabbler Reuben “Rube” Berry.
“We said, ‘Don’t you mean Todd Berry…his son?'” said a source within the football program. “Barry said, ‘No, dammit. I want Rube. It’s Rube or I’m going to go with someone who has never done this before.'”
The elder Berry died in 1998 after a fight with cancer.
“We’re told Dooley is still living, so maybe it will work out,” said the source.
Missouri Athletic Director Jim Sterk, on a break from his “Hum a Show Tune on Michael’s Spine” therapy session, said he hadn’t heard about the Dooley decision yet.
“I don’t know if you know this, but Blake Harris quit, we have Florida on Saturday, and Michael needs a warm bath,” Sterk said. “Dooley? Like the cartoon Canadian mounty? Is he going to shave his chest like Barry does?”
Attempts to contact either Berry were unsuccessful.