(CHADWICK, Mo.)–“It was among the most confounding experiences of my life,” Mizzou News editor Nate Lyon said Tuesday after his escape from an abandoned shed in rural Christian County, Missouri. “One minute I was calling Jim Sterk to confirm a tip, and the next I had a ball gag in my mouth.”
Lyon said he had gotten word that Derek Dooley, the new Missouri Football Offensive Coordinator, had neglected to reveal several important things about his past prior to his hiring. Odom refused comment, but Lyon knew he could reach Sterk at Michael Porter Jr.’s apartment where the Athletic Director sleeps on a cot six nights a week.
Lyon said, after listening to Sterk tout the benefits of something called Marshmallow Cream Back therapy for patients who had undergone back surgery, he asked the AD whether the information about the former Tennessee Volunteers head coach was true.
“He told me to hold on,” Lyon said. “I heard Michael Porter in the background asking Sterk to finish folding the laundry. Next thing I knew, three guys came in my front door wearing balaclavas. They were polite, but they said had a job to do. And apparently that job involved hog-tying me and reporting to someone via walkie-talkie that ‘Golden Girl is tied up. Repeat, Golden Girl is tied up.'”
Lyon said the men blindfolded him and drove for more than three hours before arriving at the southwest Missouri cabin. Inside, Lyon said he was handcuffed and forced to subsist on Flying J pecan logs for the duration of his ten-day confinement.
“No, I can’t say for sure that Mr. Sterk was behind it,” Lyon said. “But the timing was pretty suspect. And I couldn’t help but take note of the fact they referred to each other by code names. The two biggest guys were called Michael and Porter. The little guy with the big mouth called himself Junior.”
Lyon said he might still be in the cabin had it not been for an unlikely rescuer. On Day 11 of his confinement, Lyon was surprised to see DeMontie Cross walk through the door. Cross had last been seen as a member of a cult led by TV personality Rex Hodge.
“Cross said I wasn’t the first victim and I would likely not be the last,” Lyon said. “Apparently Cross and Hodge have created a rescue squad to find all of the journalists who been unable to report with any degree of honesty over the past year. Honestly, this explains a lot about Mizzou coverage. I’m almost glad it happened.”
Now that he is free, Lyon has secreted himself in a undisclosed location where he intends to finish his reporting.
“I’m writing the story now,” Lyon said. “No matter who was behind this, they aren’t going to stop me from reporting what I know about Dooley.”
Lyon said the story he’s uncovered has nothing to do with Dooley’s almost comedic failure in Tennessee.
“That’s already been well documented,” Lyon said.
Instead, Lyon said he’s uncovered something else about Dooley’s past that people will find shocking if not disqualifying for the OC job.
“I mean more disqualifying than his record as a coach,” Lyon said. “If you can believe that.”
Sterk, reached while on a break from recording a guided meditation album for Porter Jr. titled Cuonzo Cuonzo Cuonzo, said the allegations are baseless and that Mizzou News likely staged the abduction.
“I mean, the next thing you know, they’re going to be reporting that I called Columbia a shithole,” Sterk said. “Fake news isn’t exclusive to Washington, D.C.”