(COLUMBIA, Mo.)–Kneeling next to a whirlpool full of rose petals and champagne, Jim Sterk rebuffed requests to explain what led him to make his New Year’s resolution in the first place.
“What led to my resolution is less important than what led to my decision to end it,” Sterk said while stirring essential oils into the champagne.
According to sources within the Missouri Basketball program, the Mizzou Athletic Director resolved on December 31st to spend less time on his holistic efforts to heal freshman Michael Porter Jr.’s ailing back. The sources said Sterk’s personal life had suffered mightily during the ongoing vigils, prayer circles, and massage classes.
“Jim had stopped bathing,” said one source, “because he believed the smell of body odor might inspire Michael to heal faster. He said something about Olfactory Stimulation and the ancient Greeks. I couldn’t follow it. Really, I couldn’t even look at him with his tunic hanging open like that.”
In November, Sterk put the rest of his Mizzou duties on hold as he undertook a personal quest to see Michael Porter Jr. play on Norm Stewart Court. While doctors told Sterk his efforts would have no effect on Porter’s readiness, Sterk soldiered on, at one point inquiring whether he could donate “one or two” vertebrae.
“I’ve spent my entire life walking without pain,” he said. “This young man deserves a chance, and I feel compelled to help him. Even if that means I can’t bend over without crying for the rest of my life.”
Told he was crying at the moment, Sterk said, “These are tears of joy, you heathen mother (expletives).”
Sterk went to bed just as the clock struck midnight, and according to his wife, slept until after noon the next day.
“He rolled out of bed, said something about being hungry, and then disappeared into the bathroom,” Debi Sterk said. “I found him naked, hanging by his knees from the shower curtain rod, and chanting that young man’s name over and over again. He called it Pure Inversion Therapy. I told him I was going to stay at a hotel if I caught him like that again.”
Told she was also crying at the moment, Debi Sterk said, “I just can’t look at him…romantically anymore. Any time he takes off his pants, he feels compelled to say michaelmichaelmichaelmichael before climbing into bed. My name isn’t Michael!”
When told of Sterk’s short-lived resolution Cuonzo Martin said, “He waited 13 hours, didn’t he? (Expletive), he wouldn’t even sing 12 Days of Christmas unless we added a 13th Day and sang, ’13 number 13s dunking.’ I’m trying to get ready for conference play, and Sterk’s writing MPJ haikus. (Multiple expletives).”
Taking a break from preparing the champagne whirlpool for Porter’s therapy, Sterk said, “Nobody keeps their resolutions. I’m not ashamed. I’m proud of my efforts, and I’m proud of who I am.”
Sterk refused to answer more questions as he stripped naked and climbed in the whirlpool to test the temperature.
“Too cold. Not enough bubbles,” he declared before Googling “what’s better than dom perignon?”
Mizzou begins SEC play tonight against South Carolina. Sterk has been told he is not welcome on the team plane unless he promises to wear clothes the whole way.
According to sources, Sterk refused the deal because he’d recently had a 13-inch #13 tattooed on his back.