Former Mizzou coaches accused of Texas Bowl scalping

(HOUSTON, Tx)–Missouri Football Coach Barry Odom refused to comment today about allegations that former members of his coaching staff were selling off their personal allotment of Texas Bowl tickets on the internet sales site eBay.

“I’m here for two reasons. I’m here to win a bowl game, and I’m here to make anyone who has ever been disloyal to me regret ever having made the decision. Between that and the horse head they’ll find on their pillows tonight, I don’t think I need to say anything else,” Odom said at his noontime news conference.

Early Tuesday morning, social media users posted screen shots of an eBay listing for Texas Bowl tickets from an account named “glen&josh.” In the description, the seller had written, “No better seats in the stadium. Sit with the coaches’ families as you watch a failing program embarrass itself on a national stage. Go Knights! #ChargeOn”

A few weeks ago, Offensive Coordinator Josh Heupel unexpectedly left the Tiger sidelines and departed to become head coach at the University of Central Florida. Offensive line coach Glen Elarbee followed Heupel almost immediately. Neither man would comment on the “glen&josh” eBay account but did say, “Hey, ask Barry how his strength coach is doing in the weight room. Oh, that’s right. He doesn’t have one.”

Tiger strength coach Kurt Schmidt was among the hundreds of Missouri staff, professors, and students who followed Heupel to Florida in what some officials have described as “cult-like devotion” and others have described as “rats fleeing a sinking ship only to discover they have landed in a humid backwater overrun with tourists and anthropomorphized mice.”

With less than 36 hours to go until game time, the eBay listing for the Texas Bowl tickets had received no bids.

Missouri Athletic Director Jim Sterk, on a break from negotiating to turn Houston’s Astrodome into a permanent shrine to Michael Porter Jr., said, “No matter what underhanded (expletive) is selling those seats, whoever buys them will get a bargain. Coach Odom’s efforts right now look like performance art. Have you ever seen a man run all the way to the press box, call a play, and radio it down to himself on the sidelines? That’s worth the price of admission alone!”

The Mizzou Tigers will face the Texas Longhorns for an 8pm CT kickoff at NRG Stadium Wednesday night. Each team will receive a reported $3 million for its appearance.

“That money has already been allocated,” Sterk said while fondling a votive candle with St. Porter Jr.’s face painted on the side.

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