University of Texas head coach Tom Herman says he did not resort to immature playground mocking after his improbable victory over the University of Missouri Tigers Wednesday night. Herman, a grown man, appeared to mock Mizzou quarterback Drew Lock’s famous “Secure the Bag” dance.
Thursday morning, after shaking off what appeared to be a massive Jagermeister hangover and smelled like bacon grease (more on that in a moment), Herman said the video lacked important context that he wanted to provide.
First, here’s the video from last night.
Tom Herman appears to be mocking Missour QB Drew Lock’s celebration. pic.twitter.com/pafqeBq5hp
— Scott Bell (@ScottBellDMN) December 28, 2017
Herman, who claims a MENSA membership but also named his son Maverick (reportedly during a weak moment in the coach’s vow to never again watch Top Gun naked in public), said he would only respond to the criticism if his comments were printed in full. You will not be surprised to discover, the editors of Mizzou News were more than happy to grant that request, especially after hearing what he had to say.
Here is Tom Herman’s statement in full:
“Wednesday night during the Texas Bowl, cameras captured me in a moment that appeared as if I were mocking Drew Lock. I have nothing but respect for Mr. Lock and his coach, Barry Odom. I’m ashamed that anyone thought I was mocking their program or trying to run up the score by running disrespectful plays toward the end of the game. This is simply a case of the video not telling the whole story.
While I’m under no obligation to do so, I feel compelled to offer a true accounting of what happened.
When I was a little boy back in Ohio, my mother used to rub bacon grease on my chest when I had a cold. She said it would cure a cough faster than anything. Over time, I came to realize, that most animals couldn’t resist licking the rendered fat. And, while I’m not proud of this, I eventually came to realize that it felt very good to be licked by animals. Some more than others. If you have never felt the gentle kiss of a Shar Pei after a long day at school, I’d be hard pressed to steer you away from it.
Up until my marriage, I spent at least three days a week in a persona I came to call Greasy Tommy. My old roommates might still remember hearing me near the petting zoo whispering, “Greasy Tommy is back…”
In any case, my wife went through a vegan phase, and she asked me to bench Greasy Tommy for good. And I had…up until this week.
I felt a tickle in the back of my throat, and while it turned out to just be one of my chest hairs that had somehow ended up in my toothbrush, it brought back all of those old feelings. Before I knew what was happening, I’d fried up six pounds of pepper bacon and rendered it down to a smooth, viscous slather that I call a “Love Slick.”
Bevo, our longhorn mascot, was apparently very hungry. Before I knew it, my nipples were as chafed as they had ever been…even that time when I managed to steal a camel from the live nativity scene in college. I tried to soothe my nipples with more grease, but that just got Bevo even more excited. It was a vicious cycle. Poor Bevo spent half a day at the vet’s, and I probably won’t be able to wear a shirt until spring practice without it hurting.
But you know what? It was worth every bit of pain. I’m not even ashamed anymore.
Nevertheless, I want to apologize to Mr. Lock, and if he ever feels lonely (or hungry), I still have half a freezer full of bacon.”