Breaking: Michael Porter Jr. out for season, Mizzou officially cursed

Father Hector Villegas of Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic Church in Columbia confirmed this afternoon what many had expected for a long time: The University of Missouri is officially cursed.

“There’s no point in hiding it anymore,” Villegas said. “We did our best to keep it a secret for the University’s sake, but, hell, we’re lucky we still believe in God at this point.”

Villegas’ admission came after the Mizzou announced Michael Porter Jr. needed back surgery and would be out for the season.

“DGB was easy,” Villegas said. “We promised him a guaranteed number of years in the NFL if he kept quiet about the presence of evil in Columbia. Maty Mauk was harder. He couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Fortunately, it got to the point that no one believed anything he said, so, you know, job done.”

Villegas says the exact source of the curse has not yet been determined, but that he knows it goes back to the mid-90s.

“Tyus Edney? Come on, if you didn’t believe in cursed evil and foreboding after that…well, you probably remained a fan. Good luck with that,” Villegas said.

Asked if he believed Porter would recover before the NCAA tourney or even stay for another year at Mizzou, Villegas laughed and threw a bottle of wine at this reporter.

“I don’t give a damn,” he said. “Go sell your hope somewhere else. We don’t use it anymore.

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